I officially have 4 weeks until I enter the MTC in Mexico for my 6 week training. I went through the temple on Saturday July 5 with my parents and my brother and other amazing people that are very close to me and dang. It was just an amazing and spiritual day.
But, I've been trying to find the words to describe my feelings and I honestly can't find one word so it's like 6 of them: nervous, excited, terrified, blessed, humbled, and uncertain.
Uncertainty is a hard thing to admit, not because I'm uncertain about wanting to go on a mission. That is not it by any means. However, uncertain that I can be a wonderful missionary and touch and bless many people. Uncertain that I will have the ability to become fluent in Spanish and be able to communicate to bring the spirit and the light of Christ into a discussion. Uncertain that I will be good enough to bring people to Christ. That is something that I am very afraid of and i think it stems off of me just being nervous and scared and once I start the work, all of my doubts will be gone, but this is what I feel.
Now, I would also like to address my definition of a wonderful and influential missionary.
A MISSIONARY SHOULD NOT WORRY ABOUT THE NUMBERS. EVER. NEVER EVER. THAT IS NOT WHAT A MISSION IS ABOUT. NO NO NO.
That is something I feel very strongly about. You may disagree, and that is completely fine with me. But I have never been one to push my religion on someone and that has brought my great respect from friends and colleagues. My goal as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is to inform and be that step in the direction of Christ whether they decide to be baptized or whether they hear one lesson and decide they aren't ready or it is not for them. THAT IS OKAY WITH ME. I will keep checking back with them to see how they are and if they are doing well, because they are people and so am I. People need to care about other people. I want to show them Christ by my actions and words. Not by pushing them to believe the same thing I believe. I can be one of many missionaries they will talk to in their life time and maybe someday, they will be baptized. If I helped them put a step in that direction, then my job is done and I am happy with what I have done.
I don't know if this is making much sense considering I have so many thoughts coming out at once but my all around message is: Missionary work is not about the number of baptisms you have. It is the moments had, the spirit felt, and the steps toward salvation. Missionary work is about happiness and love and showing love toward others whether they are the same religion or not. Missionary work is about service and serving others whether they decide to come to church or not.
Will there be times where I am frustrated and/or disappointed? Of course. But I will be happy if I can make others happy. And that is my ultimate goal as a missionary.
Anyway, back to the whole 4 weeks thing. AHHHHHH.
I can't believe how quickly this time home is going. I am having trouble with the thought of leaving my family. Big time. But I have to remember it is for the best and for a short amount of time.
Can we just talk about the fact that I will be 21 when I come home? Can someone say grandma status?
I have so much to do before I leave and I've decided to blog and watch Mulan instead today. Whatevs. I've been working hard, dang it!
Next post should be my missionary fashion choices. Which I bought too many things. Oh well, gotta look as good as the lesson, right? ;) That's my excuse.
Until next blog, thank you for the support and the encouragement. It is greatly needed and greatly appreciated.
4 weeks until Mexico, 10 weeks until Utah. Here we go!